My good friend, Steve Orlando and Poseur Ink are doing some fundraising for his latest comic, Octobriana. Check out the project, it’s really cool, and if you can, become a backer. If you donate, you can get some really cool things in return.
Now, back to the other little project I have been working on. Best friend Julia and I have been working our way through Star Trek: The Original Series, MST3King it as we go (over IM, even though we are considering getting together at some point and recording some of our antics – some are so good that fluids have nearly come out noses by accident).
Anyway, I have been writing funny little recap paragraphs after watching each episode. So now, I proudly present: Star Trek: TOS: THE CLIFFNOTES EDITION!.
The Original Pilot
“The Cage” – Whiny Christopher Pike is captain of the USS Enterprise and poorly fights telepathic aliens with large, bulbous, ass-shaped heads. The navigators of the Enterprise don’t seem capable of avoiding Space!Potholes.
“Where No Man Has Gone Before” – The Pilot, Try Two. Silver eyes = evil telekinetics. Superpowered!Gary Mitchell is an asshole, who tries to kill Kirk with rocks, and, to add insult to injury, spells his name wrong on the gravestone.
“The Man Trap” – McCoy beams down to visit his ex-girlfriend, which, while a bad idea in and of itself, is a worse idea when she changes her face and has severe salt cravings.
“Charlie X” – Scary dude with mental powers that, when in use, make him look like he’s shitting a meatloaf. Turkeys abound.
“The Naked Time” – Due to lack of hand sanitizer, innermost desires are revealed. Spock uses the word “swashbuckling” to describe Sulu, who thinks he’s a pirate.
“The Enemy Within” – A transporter malfunction splits Unidog and Kirk into the two separate aspects of their personalities. Animalistic!Kirk is constipated, Goody-Goody!Kirk is a wimp. Spock hates all Unidogs.
“Mudd’s Women” – Sparkly prostitutes, led by their flamboyantly gay pimp, make every single man on the Enterprise sweat so bad even the computer notices. Except Spock, whose heart is not in the center of his chest, but sort of off to the left.
“What Are Little Girls Made Of?” – Little girls are apparently made of indecision. Chapel and Kirk beam down to her ex-boyfriend’s (George W. Bush) ice cube where everyone wears ugly footie pajamas and Kirk is thrown into walls by a Scooby Doo villain. Stacy and Clinton sob. Spock criticizes word choice.
“Dagger of the Mind” – A crazy man in search for Metamucil and Proactiv gets aboard the Enterprise. McCoy can’t seem to remember why he came into the room in the first place while Kirk and hot!medical chick visit the commune. I mean penal colony.
“The Corbomite Maneuver” – It’s attack of the childhood toys when a radioactive Rubiks cube refuses to let the Enterprise pass Go and collect its 200 credits. An angry Lite Brite arrives and expresses its displeasure at Kirk’s decision to kill it’s Rubiks cube. You know things are bad when Scotty looks concerned.
“The Menagerie, Part I” – Spock hijacks the Enterprise, leaving Kirk at a planetary rest stop with five credits and a Twinkie, so that he can take Davros on vacation on Talos IV where his hover!zamboni will make smoother ice. McCoy, mad with power, sends Spock to his room to think about what he’s done before he’s put on trial, where we watch some of his home movies.
“The Menagerie, Part II” – We continue to watch Spock’s home videos of a non-irradiated Pike and his unfortunate one-night stand with penis-headed aliens. Present!Pike dribbles on himself uncontrollably throughout the proceedings.
“The Conscience of the King” – In a stroke of genius, Kirk brings Kodos, evil man who brought death and destruction to Kirk’s childhood (and Tarsus IV), and his ‘the crazy doesn’t fall too far from the tree’ daughter on board the Enterprise after a fellow Tarsus survivor is found dead. Riley, another witness to Tarsus’s genocide, is poisoned after he requests that Uhura play ‘Freebird’ on Spock’s harp. Kodos, the genocidal maniac, has had his midlife crisis and shifted careers to something more suiting to his melodramatic nature: Shakespearean actor.
“Shore Leave” – No spring break is complete without some hallucinatory fun! McCoy goes slightly insane in order to get Kirk to come down to the planet and vacation with him, even though he later dumps him for a yeoman and two women dressed as Peeps. Cameos by: The evil!leprechan!asshole former classmate, a samurai, birds, and an ugly!princess!headdress. They constantly break the first rule of crazy situations: DO. NOT. SPLIT. UP.
“The Galileo Seven” – Spock brings the kids on a trip in the Galileo, his soccer mom minivan. He hits a space!pothole after they won’t stop asking “Are we there yet?” and they crash on a planet with fuzzy, asthmatic Vikings and a broken spear factory. Scotty gets hungry and proves he is MacGuyver of sandwich making while the one black guy on the crew has seen Scream and knows how this is going to end.
nt - 3/5/10
Notes: If you’d like to watch Star Trek: TOS it’s available for free viewing on Youtube or CBS. I highly recommend it.